How To Recognize A Schmutzie At BlogHer

UPDATE: This is not me.

SparksFley inspired me with a post she wrote to reveal a few things about myself that I am a touch insecure about before I hit the BlogHer '08 conference. I do not show my face on this website, I have never been to a BlogHer conference before, and I am nervous as hell about meeting new people no matter what the circumstance, and these three things conspire to unnerve me to greater and greater depths as the conference weekend draws near.

It is becoming ridiculous. For example, the following are a few of the things that have added themselves to my Fear List: my passport will not be ready before my flight, I will miss the plane for the second leg of my trip to San Francisco, the airline will confiscate my psych meds, I won't know how to get from the airport to the hotel, Sweetney will decide that I am an obnoxious roommate and should go back to Canada already, people will be disappointed with what I look like, the conference will feel like high school/summer camp/team sports events from my painful formative years, and my feet will smell. My feet do not usually smell terrible, but, for some reason, this plays out as a major complicating factor in my fear fantasies.

Aaaaaaand breathe.

I think that most of these fears are actually about my social anxiety, which is partly due to the fact that the way I look and the way I behave, as the person behind Schmutzie, will be on public display for the first time. I am nervous in new social situations anyway, but, in this case, I precede myself, which is WEIRD. Add to that the fact that I have been chosen as one of the presenters in the BlogHer Community Keynote, and I am almost willing to don a gorilla mask for the weekend and pretend that none of it is really happening. To alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling about that, I am going to tell you a few things about myself:

1. I have fairly prominent boobs. They sit high and plump, which a lot of people probably think is a good thing, but they make me feel kind of freakish. They are not huge, but they do nothing to hide themselves. So, there you have it. I have nice boobs that I don't like. Feel bad for me.

2. When I drink, I become a talker, and Talky Schmutzie retells stories that everyone has already heard. If you have read this website with any regularity, and you are going to be at BlogHer, be prepared to smile and nod. I promise that I will pick up on that and shut up shortly.

3. I look like I have a double chin in half the photographs that are taken of me. That's because I am growing a more noticeable double chin with every passing year.

4. I often walk around with lettuce, poppy seeds, broccoli, or other detritus stuck in my teeth. I promise that I do brush my teeth. It's just that me and my teeth have a love/hate relationship, and they like to try to embarrass me in public. Teenagers.

5. Like SparksFley, I smoke. Yes, I've had cancer. No, I don't care to hear what you think about that. Subject closed.

6. I tend to talk faster and faster when I'm nervous, so, if you are at the BlogHer Community Keynote, listen carefully, or you might miss it.

7. I have a tendency to stick my gut way out when I am concentrating on taking a photograph. So, if you see me at the conference taking a picture and looking five months pregnant, remind yourself that I am just concentrating. My uterusless self and pregnancy ne'er the twain shall meet.

There. So, if you happen to see a boobilicious person picking food out of their teeth while smoking or pushing their gut out while taking a photograph AND trying to obscure a double chin, it's probably me. To make sure, just say hello and ask me which weblog I write. I'll say "HimynameisSchmutzieandIwriteMilkmoneyOrNotHereICome".

Aaaaaaand breathe.

Labels: the crazy, the lists