I'm Giving It The Old College Try

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Remember last week on Tuesday when I was sick in bed? Well, I am presently sucking back a Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost Fruit Smoothie, which contains 500% of my daily vitamin C requirement, in the hopes that it will help me make it through the workday. (That Bolthouse Farms mention? I promise that that was completely unsolicited. I am just a Bolthouse Farms lover and like to give away free advertising while I figure out how to afford a decent computer and buy new glasses when the lenses alone are approximately $125 each. I am nice that way).

This is my EIGHTH DAY with this blasted cold virus, and all I want to do physically is sleep, and I must stress "physically", because what this cold has done to my dreams over the last eight days is completely ungood psychologically. I sweat and roll around all night, and not in any hot heterosexual action kind of way but in a fighting-for-my-sanity kind of way. Here are a few examples from my illness-induced dreams:

I was a young man in college in the 1970s with a shaggy haircut who was told that he was failing out of school and then had the simultaneous realization that he was really a queer woman in the 1990s, which made him both transgendered and transchronological.

I was in a foreign country at a restaurant that served me raw human flesh. I ate it, rationalizing my choice with the "when in Rome" proverb and the fact that the meat came from free-range, organic humans. The meat was surprisingly supple.

An English man noticed an eagle hanging by its foot in midair. Oh, dear, he said, That bird's left side is completely obliterated, but its right side is still alive. What a horrible state. I looked up to see that the eagle was a siamese twin with a singular consciousness, and that it also had the heads of identical Englishmen, except that one of them was very corpsy and mangled.

The Palinode has had to shake me awake a couple of times when I have cried out in my sleep over being forced into deathly tunnels or strangling baby koalas. Yeesh.

The sleeping aspect of this cold is officially NOT WORKING OUT, which means that the being awake part of this cold is also officially NOT WORKING OUT. I cannot concentrate long enough to finish the pair of arm warmers I need finish for a customer or to work on the website design for another customer that I was going to finish this weekend or to put my freaking painkillers in my freaking purse because I HURT. From my head to my toes, I ache as though I have been on a forced march while dragging supplies through mud for three days; I am a serf at the feet of my viral lord. Every muscle in me is asking Why, why, why are we sitting up? We should be lying down! And resting! Even if it means we must dream of cuddling into the warm underbelly of a giant mother tarantula.

Despite this, I was planning on entertaining you with a photograph of what I was up to one year ago. I receive a Photojojo Photo Time Capsule in an e-mail every two weeks, which includes the most interesting photos from one year ago from my Flickr account, and I thought surely this would save me from having to use the aching rock I have attached to this stiff stump of a neck of mine. Do you know what Photojojo told me I was up to around this time last year? This:

I was doing dishes. And then you know what?

I got wrinkly fingers while I washed those dishes.

My life is freaking genius.

After work, I am going to the drugstore to pick up a cold remedy so that I can start hacking away at some of the projects on which I am working, but I am not sure which one will do the trick. Benylin 1 Cold & Flu gets me stoned (in a very nice way, mind you, but not one that is conducive to getting anything done, like figuring out what the first half of my sentence was so that I can say the second half without looking like I have gone catatonic), and I cannot take anything that has echinacea in it, because I am allergic to it. Any suggestions?

This Schmutzie's got stuff to accomplish, and it is not going to happen without some fine pharmaceuticals.

Labels: the dreams, the here and now, the photographs

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23 comments:  witchypoo And yet, you still can write an awesome post. Does ColdFX contain echininacea? Because it totally kicks your immune system up a few notches. And for sinus problems, I swear by my snot pot. Thank you for the disappearance of the angst-inducing word verification. Having said that, I have a do-over because I typed my own site URL wrong. I'm fabulous that way.    Schmutzie Witchypoo, I believe that Cold FX does have echinacea in it. Boo.    may-b I'm an Advil Cold and Flu kind of girl. Usually works like a charm for me.    savia According to my naturopath, when you have these kinds of viruses, it's important to take 3000 mg of Vitamin C a day. And from what I understand, what works about ColdFX is the ginseng in it. So, if you don't want to pay a gazillion buck for it, maybe taking some ginseng would help. Probably would give you more energy, too. As for sleep, Valerian root can help you calm down and sleep more soundly. I'm not sure what effect it has on dreams, but maybe it would help?    kirk or kirkella avoid everything made by bolthouse farms! they are evil!    Schmutzie Kirk or Kirkella, I checked out Bolthouse Farms, and you're right, there are some very not cool things about them. Pity.    Ozma Wait, I want to hear about Bolthouse Farms. All I can find is that they have botulism in their carrot juice. I guess that's kind of incompetent. Is it evil though? Thanks to my kid, I've been thinking a lot about Star Wars lately and Darth Vader is my new paradigm for evil. Is Bolthouse Farms as evil as Darth? Or even Emperor Palpatine? Schmutzie, did you ever read the New Yorker story about the guy who electronically records virtually everything about his life? That photo reminded me of that.    Schmutzie Ozma, it's not the contaminated carrot juice that makes them evil. It's that Bolthouse Farms is based on fundamentalist Christianity, which I am not big on personally supporting, and it funds the Bolthouse Foundation, which supports fundamentalist organizations, including the Alliance Defense Fund, an organization that is opposed to all forms of abortion, same-sex marriage, adoption by same-sex couples, allowing LGBT persons to serve in the military, and sex education in schools that includes comprehensive education on contraception. They are anti-choice homophobes who believe in the marriage of Christianity and U.S. government. I guess I don't like Bolthouse juice as much as I thought I did.    J Adamthwaite Ill dreams are bizarre, aren't they? I love the idea of free range organic humans though! I wonder how many of them there are in the West?!    You can call me, 'Sir' Have you tried the sweet delicious liquor yet? It makes everything alright, takes away the pain, etc.    Nora :) Honey, I think you've had and/or have the flu, which is way more tenacious and nasty than a cold. The symptoms sure sound right. And I wonder if you have some sort of secondary infection going on. At the risk of impinging, have you been to the doctor? Is that an option? Because I really think you should be rebounding by now. I had the flu in January and, once I got over the worst of it, developed a rather spectacular sinus infection. It really felt like I was sick for six weeks. And if I'd gone to the doctor sooner, I wouldn't have been. Sorry to nag.    Anonymous Big fan, de-lurking quietly to recommend Tylenol Cold and Flu-- there's a pretty yellow daytime capsule for daytime, and a pretty blue nighttime capsule for nighttime.    Day Dreamer Um, I agree with Nora. I wound up with Pnemonia last year. It was crazy...started with a cold...then had the flu...then whamo. I use mucinex to help clear out chest goo in combination with benedryl or sudafed to dry up the nose goo. If those don't work...the doc is the next place to go. Hope you get better soon. This is getting GOOFY. You need to get better! Although, snuggling into a big fuzzy spider sounds incredibly comfy right now...    Anonymous My go-to OTCs: Nyquil at night to sleep without dreams (I too have the vivid nightmares) and Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine (the fizzy tablets) to remain upright and somewhat functional throughout the day. Mass quantities of fruit juices, ginger ale, hot tea and Mrs Grass chicken noodle soup (the one with the fat globule). And permission to lower my expectations of productivity for a week or two. Hope you feel better soon! -Elsie    Schmutzie Nyquil seems to be the drug of choice, if I am to believe my e-mails. I will be picking some up tonight.    sara Well at least it's not February. Hope things look up soon.    Kate Sorry to be a party-pooper, but do be careful of the NyQuil. My ex had an atrocious reaction to it (it made him feel a million times worse, then he threw it up and had dry heaves for a couple of hours, and then he continued to feel a million times worse). If you have any drug allergies, NyQuil is one to be vigilant about. I always take ibuprofen for the pain and inflammation of being sick, then dose myself up on that day's sleep remedy of choice (anti-histamines, otc codeine, ativan). I find this works for me better than the all-in-one nighttime cold-and-flu meds.    Kate Oh, and too bad about Bolthouse Farms! That Vanilla-Chai-Soy Smoothie of theirs is deeee-lish. Stupid fundies are ruining everything, even our smoothies!    greeneggsandtam Lovey, darling, Sweetheart! You must have: green tea- ginger - I like to grate some ginger into some boiling water and add 1 whole lemon (juice)with about 2 tbsps. honey - Just like neo-citran but better and no chemicals. cabbage-immune garlic-immune yogurt- suprising, but I read it boosts your immune system. I also read to stay away from alcohol, but I'd be addin rum to the ginger concoction.    dk ahhhh bebe - i feel for you I do. That whole close your eyes toss sweat wantodie but cantwakeup - got you there sister! Only thing I found was chicken noodle soup, a fifth of gin and Dimetapp DM - no sucrose and I don't think there is any echinacaecaiseinaecic - you know. feel better sugar pants!    Anonymous Forgot to add: lots and lots of "you poor sick baby" and other sympathetic noises from anyone who has to be around me. You're a poor sick baby, Schmutzie, and it's totally not fair that you're sick! -Elsie PS: That's scary about the allergy to Nyquil. I hope that doesn't happen to you. If so, maybe just whiskey straight up instead?    Kyran those dreams are awesome. take more drugs!    imaginary binky When am I not strangling baby koalas, I ask you? When?!   blog comment guidelines post a comment ~ Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] ~ main page