Why I Am Done With Cats Today

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I am done with cats today, because:
they pretend their food is disgusting,
and then they hop around like fleas when you refill the bowl with the same food;
they eat Christmas ribbon,
and then they bleed out their asses and sit on your new pants;
they ball up your new shirt after you have ironed it,
and then they curl up with it like it is their new favourite pookie;
they steal the only excellent pair of tweezers you have ever found,
and then they leave them in a shoe so you can stab your foot with them;
they sneak onto the top shelf in the closet,
and then they growl at you while they eat your favourite gloves;
they see your butt as a stepping stone to their next kill,
and then they leave three bloody welts across your hip;
they sneak cigarettes out of your purse,
and then they roll in them until they are covered in tobacco;
they talk to doors at top volume late at night,
and then they act like you are a freak for removing them from the hallway;
they hide their toy mice in your purse,
and then they scratch the crap out of its insides while they kill them;
they throw up on the floor,
and then they cover it with your underwear so that you have to locate it by smell;
they tear the plastic cover off your wedding dress,
and then they fashion a makeshift litter box out of it in the back of your closet;
they snub meat,
and then they run off with chunks of squash from your supper;
they rub against you and purr and give you those squinty love eyes,
and then they sink their teeth into your elbow;
you receive Get Well bouquets from friends and family,
and then they eat all the flowers while you sleep;
they learn how to undo zippers so they can steal your yarn,
and then they wrap it around every single piece of furniture in your apartment;
you open a beer,
and they lick out the inside of the bottle's neck while you are changing tv channels.
Today, I am done with cats.

I am a participant in Blog 365.

Labels: the lists, the pets

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25 comments:  Belinda Dude. You have the wrong kind of cats. The BAD kind. ;-)    Average Jane My cats do some of those things. Fortunately not ALL of them, or there'd be some human-on-cat violence at my house.    Sarcomical haha! omg yes. amen. i feel ya.    Kathy I kind of glad my cat is old and fat and relatively inactive.    Amy U. I have never laughed so hard at a blog post, in all sincerity. Tears streaming. Assertagirl    Nora Dude. Cats are weird.    daysgoby I think we may be sharing cats.    psychicgeek.com Cats? Cats own you. It's something you have to deal with.    deb Your cats sound like my dogs.    Gwen Did you write this in the bathtub? Cuz it rocks like you did.    Rebecca Your poor wedding dress! :(    palinode The little meat-snubbing bastard    Mamma Yeah, I pretty much was done with our cat when it decided to pee on any carpet or towel I put down on the floor. I miss my carpets. Cat's lucky it's still here.    SUEB0B Kitties!!!! So cute, huh?    Nat You forgot how they like to climb into the fireplace and up the chimney - not once but FIVE TIMES - and force you to put duct tape across the cover to keep them out. Or maybe that's just my cats.    Schmutzie Nat, you just reminded me that Oskar used to do that in our old apartment. It took me weeks to figure out where all the black crud was coming from that I kept finding all over the apartment.    i am the diva what i wonder is, with all the lino and laminate flooring in my house, do the cats INSIST on vomiting on the carpet?    Poppy Buxom This is the funniest thing you've ever written. That part about meowing at the door is priceless. I'll be forwarding it to everyone I know who has ever owned a cat. They deserve to know that they're not alone--that these furry yowling aliens really do mean to torment them.    Magpie Yup - I had cats like that once. Oh how I miss them.    Sparkling Red A cat ate my bridal veil. It wasn't even my cat.    Loralee Choate They go into perpetual heat (Despite spaying) and have freaky, grody animal-love outside your bedroom window at 3 AM and rape your carpet.    tNb (breathing a sigh of relief) I thought I was the only person who adopted the devil's offspring - so nice to read that I'm not alone with my angry (but awesome) cat. Thanks for making me laugh!    brightyellowworld.com I am howling with laughter. My cats have been following me around, yowling for no apparent reason, for approximately five days. Good luck. We both need it.    Fanny Price I snorted multiple times while reading this; so funny. But I am very sorry about your wedding dress--can it be salvaged?    Schmutzie Fanny Price, the wedding dress is fine. Miraculously, the cat did not damage the dress, so I'll give him that.   blog comment guidelines post a comment ~ Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] ~ main page