Nine Things Of Which I Am Suspicious

Tuesday, November 20, 2007   ·  
Barbara from Just Another Ink-Stained Wretch mentioned a few things of which she is suspicious, and I thought: I like the word suspicious. I do. And, I am also highly suspicious of a great many things. Hand in glove, a new list was born.


Nine Things Of Which Schmutzie Is Suspicious:

  • Long lineups. It seems to be the rule that whenever I have been in a long line-up, the reward at the end is less than satisfying. I was once hired to wait in line in an underground parking garage so that I could purchase an annual parking pass for someone. The fifty dollars I was paid just was not what I thought it would be after fourteen hours under orange fluorescent lights trying to sleep in a lawn chair while having to weather wannabe-cool guy setting up and playing retro Donkey Kong next to me. Yes, I got it. You made that oil-stained, concrete floor into another version of your living room. My mind was blown. Die.

  • Poop that floats. Good poop doesn't float.

  • Fruit in anything cooked. Fruit is perfect by itself and turns slimy when cooked. It begs no alteration. Why on earth would anyone take a perfectly good plum, stew it, stuff it inside bland dough, and then further smother it with heavy cream sauce? I have no idea why, but my relatives do it all the time. They call it plume verenike. I call it disgusting.

  • The back corners of cupboards, especially if said cupboard is high up. My brain likes to make up mice or roaches out of the dark recesses behind towels and old boxes. It makes up phantasmagoric creatures with exoskeletons and furry manes. I am sure I hear the clicking of hard feet pacing behind the bottle of the previous tenant's wood oil soap. As a result, the backs of my cupboards become more terrifying by the year. One day I will be able to reinvent my apartment as Schmutzie's Phantasmagoria Emporium and charge an entrance fee and sell snow globes.

  • Hot alcoholic beverages. I cannot separate hot and caffeine from each other. They shall not be torn asunder. I want my beer frosty, my whiskey on the rocks, and my coffee hot and sobering.

  • Anything that does not have an apparent purpose, such as any lone individual standing on a street corner who is not waiting to cross the street. I want them to have a purpose. I want for everything to have a purpose. Why are you standing there? There is nothing to do there. You are not with anyone. Street corners are generally ugly. Why? Why? Why? Are you reveling in your shoes' excellent arch support? Are you counting how many yellow cars drive by in an average hour? What? Walk, check your watch as though you are waiting for something, eat a sandwich. What kind of life is this? Just do something.

  • Attics turned into livable rooms. I always suspect that the floorboards were only ever meant to support a ceiling, and I get a touch of vertigo with the fear of plummeting through the ceiling cum floor and breaking my legs. I want to see those official inspection papers, mister, if you expect me to stop lying spread-eagle on the floor to keep my weight evenly distributed over the greatest area.

  • Metal zippers on clothing. I think this one is directly related to the fact of my Canadian childhood. Those of us who are old enough to remember when manufacturers were so clueless as to install metal zippers on children's winter coats will remember the lesson learned through trial error that wet noses, fingers, and tongues could freeze to your coat's zipper really fast in subzero temperatures. That is less fun than ripping off bandaids.

  • Toasters. I have had a fear of toasters since childhood. It is like they are alive what with the heating up and turning orange inside and popping up unexpectedly and toasting however they like regardless of the dial setting. Also, they want to start on fire. I just know it. If you see someone at the office concentrating on the toaster throughout the duration of the toasting process and then unplugging it with frightful speed, that's me.


    • And then, just like that, I am turning this into a meme and making up some rules, because that's how I roll:
    1. Write a list of things of which you are suspicious. Any number of them will do. Even the number 0 works. This is the first meme that can be done without even doing it. In fact, you're doing it right now.
    2. Include the list of rules, if you feel like it.
    3. Link back to the person who tagged you. Or not.
    4. Tag however many people you want to tag. You can skip this step.
    5. If you acted on rule four, leave comments on their websites to let them know that they have been tagged. This step is also completely optional.

    The following seven people have been duly apprised of the situation:
  • Jon of Ransom Note Typography
  • Daysgoby
  • Maureen of I'd Rather Be Blogging
  • Sweetisu
  • Abigail of Abigail's Road To Nowhere
  • Jennifer of Open Book
  • and, of course, the Palinode


    • I am a participant in NaBloPoMo. Check out the upper right sidebar and vote for me in the 2008 Blogger's Choice Awards.

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    19 comments:
    Anonymous jon deal

    This will be hard to whittle down to just nine things, because I'm now suspicious of EVERYTHING.

    I blame the current president of my country for this.

    But I blame him for a lot of things, so he should be used to it.  
    Blogger jenB

    I agree with Jon, only 9? I LOVE this meme. For one, you are hilarious and two, I can do it no problemo.

    xo  
    Blogger BarbaraCA

    I am also so suspicious that my entry was short due to little more than lack of courage.

    I am suspicious of terry cloth clothing and restaurant toothpicks and fingerless gloves and meringue on pies. The list seems endless because it is.  
    Anonymous Pete Dunn

    I'm suspicious of anyone claiming to know what God thinks or says. Actually, I'm suspicious of anyone claiming to "know" anything about the supernatural. Especially when they are asking for my money.  
    Blogger daysgoby

    I shall try to do my best! Probably this weekend...  
    Anonymous Shannon

    I love that you used the words Phantasmagoria/c. That was very satisfying to me. I'm totally going to do this one. :)  
    Anonymous Jennifer

    What a great idea. Although I am usually suspicious of great ideas, I think I'll follow through. For you.

    Of course, it would have been nice if you'd told me this BEFORE I posted my obligatory and positively scintillating NaBloWhatsit post for today.  
    Blogger sumo

    "One day I will be able to reinvent my apartment as Schmutzie's Phantasmagoria Emporium and charge an entrance fee"

    I'd pay to see that.  
    Blogger lotus07

    Based on this, you sound awfully anal and controlling......cupboards and attics, indeed!!!  
    Anonymous jon deal

    OK, I did mine. Hope you are happy. Now I'm a-scared to walk out of the house.

    http://www.ransom-note-typography.com/index.php/weblog/suspicious/  
    Blogger Kay

    In addition to fruit not needing to be stuffed into verenike, I'm of the opinion that verenike does not need fruit. It is delicious with plain old cottage cheese. Although I do have a vague memory of having blueberry verenike when I was really small, and my mother being disgusted that I liked it. I'm not sure if I actually did or if it was just the fact that it was really really really sweet appealed to me.  
    Blogger dandelion dust

    fun! i'm mentally making a list now and will do a meme on this tomorrow! cool blog here. you're funny  
    Blogger Junebugg

    What a cool list! I might just try this, only my list won't be near as interesting as yours  
    Blogger Junebugg

    OK, I've got a mlist of 5 up  
    Blogger Amy Turn Sharp

    This looks cool
    I dream of a tag by you! Yr words are some of my favorite in the blogsphere  
    Blogger Heidi

    Thanks for commenting on my blog, but LOONS?!?!? I resemble that remark.

    Here is another good tag - Guilty Secrets - http://eramblings.wordpress.com/2007/09/24/guilty-secrets/

    although you may have covered this one with your I am naked post!  
    Blogger cenobyte

    Actually, good poop is *supposed* to float. It means you're getting enough fibre. Poop that sinks means your 'stools are compacted', and that, apparently, and according to Stool Aficionados, is a Bad Thing.  
    Blogger Apertome

    I don't even like memes, but I really enjoyed this one. I also enjoyed your answers.

    I think it's quirks like things about which we're suspicious that really define people much more than who their favorite band is or what kind of ice cream they like.

    Also: "lineups?" I've heard "line" and "queue" but never "lineup." I'm suspicious ...  
    Blogger ladyloo

    I never realized there were so many things of which I am suspicious.  

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