Thursday, June 1, 2006

#483: MY INVENTION

I've decided to become an inventer.

I know, I know. I write. I'm a writer. My focus should be on becoming a published writer. Whatever.

I'm going to become an inventer, and I know exactly what I'm going to burst out of the gates with: the Proportion Stick. No, the Perspective Pole. Wait, let me get out my thesaurus, because Proportion Stick and Perspective Pole do not sound like a million purchases ringing through cash registers.

The Harmony Branch. It doesn't have a whole lot of punch to it, but it will ensure sales to the new-agey, crystals-loving, feathers-wearing crowd, at the very least.

What is this Harmony Branch™, you ask? Well, it's only one of the most important tools to living a well-balanced life that does not impinge upon the ability of others to also lead well-balanced lives. I am surprised that they weren't invented fifty years ago when most of us were hooked up to the electrical grid and civilized into indoor plumbing, rotary dial telephones, and pre-packaged individual meat slices.

The Harmony Branch™ is basically a stick, much like a meter (metric) or yard (imperial) stick, only probably less long. I say probably, because I haven't worked out all the details yet. I have made a few preliminary sketches, but my drawing ability is less than stellar. The object I have in mind looks very much like the image at the left. Of course, I realize that that is a picture of a folding cane for the visually impaired, but it is roughly proximal to my vision of the basic model of the Harmony Branch™. You get the idea. It will be a take-anywhere, highly portable, foldable stick that comes in varying lengths and colours to suit a variety of tastes.

What in the hell is this fucking stick for, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's not a fucking stick. It's a Harmony Branch™, and it puts things in perspective. If you are having problems with proportion and perspective, this stick is IT. Simply hold it up against whichever situation simply must be disproportionately bad, and BAM, the situation will snap into focus, and its diminutive stature in relation to the other aspects of your life will become immediately self-evident. In short, it's the cure for perceptual myopathy born of unconscious situational relativism.

For example, you find yourself in front of cheese display at your grocery store, and they are all out of the ten-year-old white cheddar that you had your heart set on for that evening's wine and cheese event you are hosting. Your first impulse is to ask the service person why in the hell they always understock their goddammed aged cheddars, and then perhaps you'll want to ball up your fists and swear to the bland-looking clerk that you will never return to this middling grocery store that does not make its orders according to customer buying habits.

BUT WAIT! You have your Harmony Branch™ in your bag! You pull it out, unfold it, hold it up against your situation, and realize that you were altogether mistaken about the size of it. Next to the Harmony Branch™, this aged cheese issue can be seen in proper perspective. You chuckle to yourself about how you got so worked up over a wedge of white cheddar when you already have five other kinds of cheddar already waiting under glass at the auditorium, and wasn't it your sweetie foo-foo puppykins liver cancer that was truly bothering you anyway?

Is your boss freaking out over a missed comma? Does your partner lose his/her brain over the fact that you continually leave a sopping cloth to fester in the bottom of the sink? Does your parents' knee-jerk disapproval continually hammer away at your self-confidence? Take out your Harmony Branch™, hold it up against the matter, and watch the sheepish grins break out left and right.

So, that's my invention. I'm licking the stamps to mail away for patent rights at this very moment. The Harmony Branch™ would save humankind from so many headaches. One glance at the Harmony Branch™, and we would all be smacking our heads and thinking How could I be so short-sighted and narrow-minded again? Because, really, isn't it a lack of persepective and sense of proportion that robs us all of a good deal of the happiness we should so rightly have?

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22 comments:  Kim You should put your idea on www.halfbakery.com.    LadySeduction I'll take two, one for my husband and one for my 17 yr old daughter, thank you!    cenobyte "Proportion Stick" and "Perspective Pole" both sound like incredibly fun names for the sidekick in superhero porn. ...I'm just sayin'...    Cactus Jelly you! are! a! fucking! genius! seriously!    Red Do you get a deal if you buy them in bulk?    starcat This soooo does NOT get you off the hook for leaving sopping wet Dirty rags in the bottom of the sink. But it does make you a little bit cuter, in the smartypants way, which I guess gives you a pass for another few years.... :*)    Callie K i think your original idea was to make weapons more portable.    maarmie I don't know...I REALLY like aged cheddar! I'll take two. Pronto.    marian honey, i think you may be taking a little too much st. john's wort. seriously. i'm just saying.    PaintingChef I'll take fifteen or so... My question is this. Does it go against the principle of the harmony branch if every once in awhile you maybe just whack someone on the head with it? It is, of course, a purely hypothetical question...    hannah I'll take a couple. Especially if they deal with that knee-jerk parent comment problem. Because, really. I have to go home for the summer and someone is going to end up dead. And the cheese thing? Yep, I'll have one for that too. I do not expect to wait nearly three weeks for cheese I ordered specially. Wrong. All wrong.    Northern_Girl Ok. That seals it. You? Are brilliant. Need help marketing it? I'm in. :)    David Can you make a one off "custom" lead tip, re-enforced with a lanyard for me?    Moose Will it self-destruct if I try to hit someone with it?    Vaguely Urban Clearly, these babies will sell themselves, but you can still go nuts with marketing, just for grins. I'm thinking a campaign along the lines of: "Speak Softly, And Carry A Harmony Branch"    toyfoto Brilliant!    My Head Is Too Big And then you can still find your way home with it after you're blinded by the light of your epiphany...    Cee The Harmony Branch - I like it! I volunteer to be your lawyer and supervise your future inventing career. Also, I've been reading through your RSS feed lately, and so only just noticed the new design - very pretty. I love the banner.    -t- This is totally unrelated to the post I'm commenting on right now. I came here via Blut It. The blog name you posted there caught my eye. I was curious to find out what your blog was about and quite disappointing to find out that "schmutzie" was simply your nickname. Maybe you've heard this before, well schmutz is the German word for dirt. Why did your friends give you that name? ;)    Martina I wish I had known about this today!! I could a really used one. I would like to place an order for future proportion problems!!! I'm laughing so hard I'm peeing my pants!!!!    wren Brilliant. I want a lifetimes supply - whatever the cost.    Bec of the Ladies Lounge Brilliant! And because you are so clever and worthy you can have this extra idea for nothing: The getOVERit Twig - a mini version of the Harmony Branch, scaled down to fit into evening bags and sports shorts!   blog comment guidelines post a comment ~ Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] ~ main page