Wednesday, September 28, 2005

#359: IF IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU, LEAVE IT ALONE

Please study the following chart carefully:

Certain Facts About Schmutzie Proper + Certain Things In And Around Schmutzie's Life ≠ Schmutzie Slavering After Spawn

Certain Facts About Schmutzie Proper She is biologically female. She is in her thirties. She is married.

Certain Things In And Around Schmutzie's Life A kitten named Oskar. A random child that Schmutzie is not creeped out by. Schmutzie uncharacteristically turning down a glass of wine. An unfinished knitting project. An apartment with an extra room. Schmutzie's intermittent attempts to quit smoking. Schmutzie's desire to change her life in some meaningful way. Anything fluffy / cute / sweet / endearing / affectionate / soft that Schmutzie acknowledges / cuddles / mentions / owns / looks at / writes about.

I thought that it would be beneficial for all concerned if I produced this simple chart, because lately, it seems that people need some sort of instructional material when it comes to dealing with me and my combined age, biology, and relationship standing. They seem to have this knee-jerk impulse to refer to my making babies. I'm thinking of printing this chart up on standard business cards to give out at social functions in order to ease social interaction.

I could have used this instructional card when: I was volunteering at a breakfast for a Popular Disease, because I'm nice like that, and while I was watching these terribly cute twin boys with impeccable manners, a co-volunteer whom I had just met half an hour before elbowed me and said "you must be getting ready to have a family"; a friend told me, and I mean no offence to the person who said it, that I would be depriving an individual who doesn't even exist yet of great parents if I didn't procreate; another friend asked if our new kitten was warm-up practice for the real thing; I was told on more than one occasion that our spare room is the perfect size for a nursery; I was informed that, apparently, my interest in getting back to knitting or maybe finally learning how to crochet is due to my "nesting instinct".

I know that most of the people who have brought up the subject of my bearing offspring only think of it as friendly conversation. They think of it as an of-course kind of topic, like how it seems natural to comment on your aesthetician's nails or your handy friend's new sconces in their dining room. This kind of of-courseness, though, does not translate to talking to me about the possible use of my uterus, despite my being married and thirtysomething and female.

Fingernails and sconces are on the outside, meaning they are a little less personal than say, my uterus, which is on my inside and could change the course of mine and the Fiery One's entire lives. Babies are cute and nice-smelling and outside of my body, but see, there is no baby outside of my body, so there are no babies to talk about with regard to me. Another way to look at it is this: unless you instigate the conversation, I don't ask you what your plans are for dealing with your anal polyps, so anything dealing with the thickness of my uterine lining and what may be planted in it should be left to the mystery that is me.

See this?



Do you really want to be asking me about that and what I plan to do with it? I didn't think so.

Yes, I know that I have brought up my thoughts about child-bearing here before, but I brought it up here, just like everything else on this website. Me. I did not bring it up when I was volunteering at the Popular Disease breakfast or when I showed you the spare room or when I introduced you to my cat. I did not bring up whether my period was late or whether the Fiery One and I have been bumping uglies without the proper protective gear. Maybe you brought up your anal polyps, but that's your decision, and I have no problem with that. I also have no problem talking about possible future activities involving my uterus, but these random You must want a baby because you [insert whatever happens to be handy here] kind of conversations have got to stop. It's my uterus / and I'll bring it up if I want to / bring it up if I want to / bring it up if I want to / You'd bring it up too if it belonged to you / do do do do do.

---

'Twas a nest full of young birds on the ground
The cutter-bar had just gone champing over
(Miraculously without tasking flesh)
And left defenseless to the heat and light.

- excerpt from "The Exposed Nest" by Robert Frost

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13 comments:  helenjane Um, yes, and yes. My favorite comments are those that express how much fun we have "trying." Um, ew. And no. I like drinking alcohol too much right now, thanks.    blackbird ...and one really does need "chutzpah" (did I spell that right?)to comment today... um, NOT GUILTY. I think. hey, thanks for the visual. wish I had brought the digital camera to the GIANT NEEDLE PROCEDURE YESTERDAY. we could have shared. you know what we say here in Tuvalu? FUCK EM.    Missy Yes, thanks for the visual. You go girl! I like the letter "F" as well.    New World nice gyne shot    Koan It never ceases to amaze me how so many otherwise caring people can be so insensitive by continually asking this question of childless people they know or meet. There are so many reasons why some people *can't* have children that, really, it's better not to ask. If the childless person raises the subject, fair enough - otherwise, people should leave the hell alone. I'm sorry you've been put through this... again. Maybe this will be the last time. Hey, we can dream.    TB I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have the nicest uterus I've ever seen.    woodcoco So, do the people who questionned you have children? The breeders are always recruiting. I have had the same questions but not in the same ways. I have also had the "when are or are you two getting married?" question which makes my jaw clench and teeth grind. It is important to others whether or not you are part of the married group of the world and if you are or intend to be in the child bearing group of the world. I get that people need to feel a kinship with others and that simularities provide that. It is sad when people aren't mature enough to find other things in common with people in order to bond or have a simple conversation. I am sooooooo pleased with your entry. It, like so many of your entries, rang true for me in some way. You are so super keen #1!    luvabeans that was completely awesome. am i allowed to say that whatever you choose to do with your lady parts, i hope it doesn't involve a metal prodding device like the one featured in the photo you provided?    palinode I get pretty tired of our breeder friends trying to tell us that we should join their ranks. You know what kind of people actively and constantly campaign for converts? Miserable deluded fuckers, that's who. They sit around while their child destroys their peace of mind, saying "Ooooh, aren't we lucky! Don't you want to be so lucky?" with these glazed eyes and fixed smiles. "We were completely wasting our lives before this!" Argh.    abigailroad I don't know why everyone is ragging on The Breeders so much today. They had that one album back in the '90's that was pretty good. Actually, I liked it alot.    Wiblick I'm thinking of printing your post and handing it around to all friends (strangely not family or my mother even!) and my doctor who are giving me a hard time over wanting to get the op. Wiblick in Ireland, first time comment on any blog.    saviabella Can we please add "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" to the anal polyp list of things that just shouldn't be asked?    abigail Good one Saviabella. I always here the "So when are you going to find someone and settle down?"   blog comment guidelines post a comment ~ Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom] ~ main page